dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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