I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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