haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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