Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
