I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
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I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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