Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
