He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
