hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
