It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
