I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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