I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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