He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
