I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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