just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
