i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My cat gives me a boner
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
