well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
