Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
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listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
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I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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