a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
