I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
