Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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