we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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