A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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