Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
