My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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