I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
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we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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