if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
