dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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