Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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