I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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