She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
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You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
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Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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