You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
