I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
