is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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