I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
