I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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