I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
