Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i drank out of a bidet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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