I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
