I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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