You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
This toilet bowl is my home.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
