You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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