I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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