I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
