Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
