he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
