I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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