so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
