perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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