I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Why did my mother make you get naked?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
