Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Are my feet made of real feet?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
