Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
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We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
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The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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